Why You Can't Create Structure With Executive Dysfunction and Low Spoons

"I'm not living up to my full potential." The thought is somehow both loud and quiet at the same time. The shame sits with you on the sofa as you watch TV.

Watch the video below, or read on for the full transcript.

You're successful everywhere else. Sure you always wait for the last minute, but when it comes to school or work you've got things on lock.

It's just when you're left to your own devices that suddenly you're "lazy" and don't have any "discipline."

You're re-watching one of your favorite shows, but instead of feeling happy or relaxed, you're ashamed and anxious. You "should" be doing something else.

"What's wrong with me?" you ask for the umpteenth time as you let Netflix autoplay the next episode.

This was my life for almost ten years after college. The pattern was so predictable I came to call this period in my life my own personal groundhog day.

Hi. I'm Cas Winter. I'm Neurodivergent and have been chronically ill for over 25 years. I help ambitious neurodivergent and chronically ill people close the gap between their ambitions and reality. Subscribe if you're ready to finally discover how to spend your precious time and energy the way you want and need to.

In my last video I talked about how to build self-trust when you always leave things until the last minute. Today I'm going a few layers deeper into what keeps us stuck in procrastination and inaction in the first place.

I figured out the hard way how to escape that Groundhog Day so you don't have to. There's nothing wrong with you, you were just never taught how.

Let's get started.

In order to learn and grow, in order to truly change, we need to know what to focus on changing.

The trouble is what we believe often dictates what we focus on.

Here's how it went with me. I had been very successful in school, but I was struggling so much with being successful in life.

Sure, it didn't help that I graduated from college during the 2008 market crash. It also didn't help that I was burned out and disabled (unbeknownst to me at the time).

But I did have some time and energy to spend each day. The problem was I was spending it on watching TV, reading self-help book after self-help book, and scrolling social media.

I was certain that there had to be something wrong with me, that I was wasting my potential. I wasn't just acting lazy, I was lazy.

I was already good at so many things, and I knew I had the capacity to be good at many more things. So I was certain that if I could just figure out the productivity thing, I could do so much with my life.

Because of this, I tried everything productivity and self-help experts told me to do, which always boiled down to some version of:

- Get motivated

- Get out of your own way (aka stop self-sabotaging)

- Just build better habits and routines, and

- Just try harder

Now I know that these were the wrong things to focus on, but it wasn't my fault I had these thoughts. I'd been told these things. I'd been taught to think these things.

It was a computer program in my brain someone else had installed. A program that had been getting regular updates throughout my life from my parents, teachers, therapists, doctors, and various experts.

Those thoughts weren't mine.

They were the thoughts of people who didn't understand me, my disabilities, or my support needs. Furthermore, they were the thoughts of people who didn't understand what I needed to learn in order to move forward.

The problem wasn't my discipline or motivation. And I sure as hell wasn't self-sabotaging, because that phrase is ableist garbage.

The problem was something else entirely, and while it's deeply intertwined with late diagnoses of neurodivergence and chronic illness, there's more to it than that.

The best way I've found to describe this is with something I call "The House Metaphor."

Imagine your life as a house. If you're able-bodied, neurotypical, and without a history of trauma, your house is more or less up to code.

If you're neurodivergent, chronically ill, or disabled in any way, your house has some structural issues. Think faulty wiring, a leaky roof, pipes that aren't quite right. Therapy, medical treatment, and other longer-term support are the renovation work that can help those things over time.

But here's the catch: you can't move out while those renovations are happening.

You still have to live in the house. You still have to get things done, show up for your goals, and make real progress on what matters to you, even when the roof is dripping and the stove is temperamental. Renovation work is important and worth doing. It just doesn't solve the problem of living in your house right now.

So how do we live in our houses as we navigate renovations or permanent disability and neurodivergence that can't be renovated away?

Accommodations.

Placing a bucket under the hole in the ceiling to catch the dripping water. Rearranging your furniture so the floorboard that trips you every time now has a sofa on top of it. A big flashlight in every room so when the power goes out you can still see. These are accommodations to help you live in your house.

In real life most of us are familiar with accommodations such as mobility aids and closed captioning. But the world of accommodations is massive and diverse. It goes far beyond physically tangible tools like wheelchairs. It includes accommodations in time, such as extended time for school exams, and it also includes accommodations in processes and mindset. For example, my Free Anytime Reset is what I call a "Thinking Aid" to help people who struggle with executive dysfunction.

Furthermore, an accommodation that works for one person is far from guaranteed to work for another. Personalization is key.

So yes, if renovations are possible and accessible to you, pursue them! But know that you also deserve to live more comfortably in your house while that's happening.

The reason I do what I do is because I don't want anyone to have to figure out how to more comfortably live in their house the long and hard way like I did.

I built my program, The Action Navigator, from the ground up to meet you where you actually are. Being Neurodivergent or Chronically Ill means you have different support and accommodation needs, and you deserve access to what you actually need, not what some able-bodied neurotypical person thinks you need.

Go to the link in the description box below to learn more about The Action Navigator, and to sign up for a free Clarity Call with Shae, my Clarity Navigator. Their job is to help you determine whether The Action Navigator is actually a good fit for you. I've trained them to help, not sell.

Let's get back to the house metaphor. Because there's one more aspect that can mean the difference between actually meeting your goals and staying stuck.

If you "do better" in school or at a job, something where someone else is calling the shots, it's as if someone is visiting your house.

It feels like you have a needy roommate to take care of. They keep giving you things to do and asking that you do them by a certain time.

Even if you do wait 'til the last minute a lot of the time, you somehow get it all done.

But then you graduate or are out of a job and the visitor moves out and suddenly everything falls apart.

You didn't realize it at the time, but while the visitor was there, living in your house was actually...easier?

What the heck?

Turns out what you saw as a needy roommate was actually Mary Poppins. She was accommodating you in such a way that it was invisible to you.

You had no idea there was a floorboard that would trip you because she was standing on it.

You had no idea there was something wrong with the electricity because she preferred candlelight.

You had no idea the cough medicine tasted bad because she added sugar (and didn't break into song to tell you about it).

When she moved out, all of these invisible accommodations went with her. It feels like your house is suddenly falling apart, but it's been falling apart this whole time, Mary Poppins just didn't let you see it.

Nor did she teach you how to survive in it.

This was me after I graduated from college. It was like the rug was pulled out from under me when I lost that structure and external accountability.

I had no idea how to create structure for myself, let alone how to develop internal accountability. It was like being a kid all over again. For example, my best friend had to teach me how to do my laundry because my parents didn't.

Simply by being structured the way it was, school and college accommodated me invisibly. But it wasn't perfect. That's why I still waited 'til the last minute to complete assignments. And that's why I felt suddenly disabled after graduating.

School gave me a fish so I could eat for a day. It never taught me how to fish. So there I was one day. Mary Poppins had left and my decade-long groundhog day began.

I didn't know how to survive in my crumbling house.

It wasn't just that I was actually disabled (but late diagnosed) by chronic illness and neurodivergence. It wasn't just that I had C-PTSD from childhood trauma. It wasn't just that I was burned out.

Maybe for you, you were a golden child everyone did things for. Maybe you're a people pleaser who doesn't know how to focus on themselves. Maybe you lost your job. Maybe your house was actually fine but now you're newly disabled from an accident or illness.

Either way, we hadn't been taught what we actually needed to survive, let alone thrive. A form of neglect that often gets, well, neglected.

So what do we do? It's very common, and I would argue normal, to search for a new Mary Poppins. Someone to come into your house and either create the illusion again or fix things altogether.

You may have clicked on this video hoping I would be your next Mary Poppins. (First of all, I'm honored. Thank you.) But that's not my job. That would keep you blind to what's actually going on in your house.

I want to teach you how to fish.

I want to teach you a system for taking action and being productive the Neurodivergent, Chronically Ill way.

It's not about finding the right planner, because the "right" planner doesn't exist. It's not about S.M.A.R.T. goals either, because those were designed in and for corporate environments. It's not about exercising, improving your sleep or your diet, or healing your trauma. That's renovation work. That's what doctors, therapists, and other professionals are for.

This is about that moment when you're stuck on the sofa and you know you want or need to be doing something else, but you can't get yourself to take action.

I want to teach you how to have agency in moments like that, without beating yourself up, without forcing yourself.

And from there I want to teach you how to create a time and task management system that works with your Neurodivergence and Chronic Illness, not against it. A system that won't fail the moment life happens, because it's designed to meet your needs. As your needs change, so does your system.

This is about uncovering what's going on in your metaphorical house without shame, because you can't help what you can't see, and you can't effectively care for yourself if shame is running the show.

The fact that your house was falling apart and you couldn't see it does not make you lazy, or broken, or a failure. You were essentially living in an illusion. Of course you felt shocked when the magic turned off.

This is about becoming your own Mary Poppins so you can move the sofa to cover the floorboard, you can set out flashlights, and you can put out a bucket.

Again, if renovations are available and accessible to you, I'm not saying to not do them. What I am saying is you deserve to start feeling better now, instead of waiting potentially years to heal your body or mind. You deserve to start making progress on your goals now.

I want you to be able to live in your house on your own terms, now.

Yes the pesky floorboard will still be there, the wiring will still suck, and the ceiling will still drip. It's impossible to accommodate yourself to the point that you're no longer disabled.

But you can make the kind of shift that feels like magic when it's all said and done.

If that sounds like exactly what you've been looking for, go to the link in the description box to learn more about my program, The Action Navigator, and to schedule a free Clarity Call with Shae.

Remember, their job isn't to sell, it's to help you figure out if The Action Navigator is a good fit for you.

I want to know, who was your Mary Poppins? The job, the person, the season of life that quietly held your house together until it didn't. Tell me in the comments.

I'll be back in two weeks with another video, so don't forget to subscribe. See you then, bye.